Capon Valley 50K … My First Ultra-Marathon

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life … 31 miles with over 10,000 feet of elevation change and more than 30 stream crossings. The last 6 miles were a blur of tears, snot and a determination unlike anything I have ever felt before. I believe I would have crawled those last miles if I could not have run and walked.

But I digress. Let me tell you the whole story …

Friday night we enjoy our regular pre-race meal of sashimi and a very early curtain call. But sleep does not come easily. I think I am too nervous for much rest. The alarm goes off at 4:15am so we can dress, and make the trek to Capon Valley, about 20 miles west of Winchester, VA. It is still dark when we hit the road. The full moon hangs low in the sky, magnificently beautiful. Ancient customs held traditional ceremony of release at the height of the full moon. So between this and the fact that I have begun my menstrual cycle, I know the day is going to be a powerful release for me. I feel anxious and nervous.

We arrive, get checked in and listen to the pre-race announcements. Finally, at 7am, we are off, beginning the first mile of an incredible trail run. I begin to feel better. I feel my nerves settle and my body fall into a rhythm that is immediately soothing.

To give you some perspective, if you were to run the annual Pikes Peak marathon in Manitou Springs, CO, which goes from the base of the mountain to the peak and back down, you would cover LESS elevation change than we did on this course.

Even so, this trail is a sensual delight. The volume of rain that drenched the region in the last 8 days has made the earth moist and fragrant. I actually expect to encounter much more mud and gloppy sections of the the trail to slog through. But most of the course is smooth and entirely runnable. The frequent creek crossings are wonderfully refreshing and beautiful. The water is clear and cool, soothing our tired feet and sore muscles. The views that peek through the trees at the tops of the massive hill climbs are beautiful.

Most of the trail runs through private properties, heavily wooded paths accented with dogwood trees in full bloom. We cross a few fields which are surrounded by sweeping views of the valley. I feel as if I am running through a fairy tale. I smell blossoming plants, and feel the energy of the trees. Friendly, enthusiastic volunteers greet and care for us at aid stations every 4-6 miles. They have prepared delicious peanut butter sandwiches and offer wonderful treats at every stop.

At mile 20 I began to feel a couple of blisters forming. I stop to patch up my sore toes. In spite of the TLC I offer my feet, as we climb another long, steep hill after the 4th aid station, I can tell I am starting to unravel. My vision begins to tunnel a bit and I feel wobbly. I continue to drink water, popping another salt caplet, more Advil and another secret weapon, dark-chocolate covered coffee beans.

Beyond the 5th aid station, I crack open and begin to cry. I don’t even know where all these feelings are coming from. The volume of emotion that bubbles up is almost overwhelming. Brian stops to check in with me. I tell him to keep moving. I am afraid if I stop that I will lay down and sob myself into oblivion.

As we come up to the 6th and final aid station, I find I have no control over my emotions. I want to somehow tuck this in so I don’t alarm the volunteers or embarrass myself. But this is beyond what I can manage. As much as I am able, I tell the concerned aid station helpers that I am OK. Brian’s reassurance is more convincing than mine, I am certain. Less than 4 miles to go … I want to finish!

The determination to get to the end is tremendous. When the finish line is in sight, that is all I can see. I am vaguely aware of the other Loudoun Road Runners cheering and clapping, celebrating this victory with us. I hear Brian tell me we are there and congratulating me on finishing my very first ultra-marathon, and we cross that line. I bend over, putting my hands on my knees and really sob.

I have seen other runners with this look on their faces … this look of pain, raw emotion and other things I have not understood before today. Now I know what I’ve seen in their faces for I am overcome with it myself. I am hurting, raw and empty. And I am also full, so very FULL, standing here trying to take in what I have just accomplished.

My friend Phil comes over, greeting me with a tremendous smile and hugs me to congratulate me. It is such a good feeling! The other Loudoun Road Runners are clapping for me, smiling and shouting their congratulations. I get wonderful hugs and smiles. I turn to Brian and hug him tightly. We did it! I did it! In my head I hear my factory workers break into a screaming chant, “WEDIDIT, WEDIDIT, WEDIDIT!!!!!!!!” There are no words to describe this. While I am sure that I will be really happy when I finish other runs, today feels really special and precious. Some people have told me that I am crazy for doing this. In this moment I can feel such amazement at what I have been able to do, that I simply feel ALIVE. I silently give immediate and powerful thanks for this gift, for this day, for the opportunity and for these wonderful people with whom I can share it.

Boy, am I gonna sleep good tonight.

Simplicity

"Ascension" acrylic on wood, Feb. 2009

I will turn 40 this summer. I don’t think I ever had any preconceived notions of where I might be at this point on my life journey when I was in my 20s or even in my early 30s. So I am now discovering this interesting place in the aftermath of a massive life overhaul.

Within the last three years I have divorced, quit a job, started my own business, cut-off hair that spiraled about halfway down my back (in stages to the point of shaving my head bald), remarried and shifted every aspect of my daily life. I have begun to consider and reconsider everything I once viewed as “important” or “critical.”

As a result, or quite possibly by complete coincidence , I am beginning to discover this beautiful space within simplicity that allows me to breathe and live with a full presence I have not known before. I have downsized my home and the volume of “stuff” that I once worked so hard to acquire. I am delighted by the majesty of so much that I dismissed far too easily before … a magnificent sunset, the bliss of a hot cup of tea, the pleasure of and extra 2 minutes in an exceptionally hot shower, sharing a meal and laughter with a dear friend.

Yes, I know this sounds like a sappy Hallmark card. But there is a deep significance to this simplification. For the QUALITY of my being has expanded profoundly as I have eased back from pushing the QUANTITY of my life. This directly related to a previous post I authored about “being” instead of “doing.”

And maybe this can all be dismissed as the musings of one of those odd artist-type weirdos. But I am finding a special delight in the detail and wonder of the most elemental aspects of my new life … I feel so blessed.

Majesty of Vision

"The Majesty of Vision II" 48 x 36" acrylic on canvas

I delivered my most recently completed commission two weeks ago. “Majesty of Vision I” and “II” now hang in the lobby of Red Rock Business Advisors in Sterling, VA.

These were amazing pieces to create as I was holding the energy of this CPA and accounting firm in the forefront of my mind as I painted. Their walls and marbled floors carry rich earthy tones of a deep golden tan. And with the name of their business being “Red Rock,” they were very interested in pieces that showcased a deep red tone. Because they deal with the finances and accounting practices of their clients, I could not resist the urge to put a metallic gold tone in the mix with the deep red, black and off-white colors.

I am extremely pleased with the resulting pieces and was so happy to make delivery just three weeks from when Red Rock Business Advisors signed the contract for the commission. A speedy turn-around was part of my goal with this project, as this group is currently gearing up for a very busy tax season.

"The Majesty of Vision I" 24 x 36" acrylic on canvas

In hanging these pieces, I put out the wish that more commissions might come my way. I find such delight in seeing a commercial space, sensing the energies that swirl around a business’ products and services and create a visual to accentuate and celebrate this energy.

Today I read that 78% of what a person remembers of you or your business is what they take in with their eyes … the visual. They only hear 22% of what they take in through their ears. So what they see in association with your business makes a FAR deeper impact. I hope that These paintings, “Majesty of Vision I” and “II” create a tremendous impact for Red Rock Business Advisors, so much so that they decide to expand into an even larger corporate space … and they call on me to make the artwork for all their walls and offices!

Kitty-proofed Studio

Maximus Kitty

I have recently moved my studio from a space I was renting in Hamilton, VA into my home in Leesburg. Advantages of this are obvious … no commute, quicker delivery to clients and the ability to share my work in progress with everyone who comes by.

The only disadvantage, which is really just a matter of management, is kitty control. You see here a photo of my “son,” Max. He is a very curious being who is especially fond of leaping up onto surfaces for necessary inspection of new and interesting items or circumstances.

Obviously, as much as I love my boy Max, I do NOT need a curious kitti-pus strolling across a wet canvas. Due to the volume of paint I use in my creations, it can take anywhere from a few days to almost two weeks for a newly finished piece of mine to dry. So in setting up my new space, I actually spent the most time figuring out how to kitty-proof the area.

The obvious question is “why don’t you just shut the door?” or somehow restrict access to that kitty simply doesn’t have the chance to get nosy with freshly painted creations. But when you have as much energy as I do invested in kitty, if there is a way to keep his all-access pass active in all areas of my home, it is worth it. He’s not the type to barge into the middle of a project … he just wants to scope it out once I have reached a stopping place and the coast is clear.

My solution: a drafting table draped in plastic. Max doesn’t like the plastic … it is too noisy and he doesn’t trust it. So my newly finished piece tucked away up high on my table with the plastic deterrent should do the trick. We’ll see. There is always a first time for a new adventure when there is a feline involved. For the moment I am feeling rather confident … I’ll keep you posted.

Being VS. Doing

"Finding Faith," 12 x 24" acrylic on canvas NFS

In the last 6 months and in particular the last 6 weeks, I’ve been putting more and more focus into finding ways to DO more … build more business, network with a wider audience and look at as many options as I can for finding a way to grow my Intuitive Design business faster and bigger. In other words, I’ve been DOING a lot.

In the flurry of activity and focus, I have not often pulled back to look at the larger picture. So as the year drew to a close, I was not surprised to find myself feeling very tired. I have not made the time to just BE.

Yesterday, I took time in the afternoon to hang out with a friend. In talking about life, finances, work, hopes, dreams and everything we discussed, I realized I have been missing out on the BEING.

What does it mean to simply BE? In talking with my friend, I could hear my voice speaking of many fears and worries, of options and choices that seem almost overwhelming. And I could feel a tightness in my chest that seemed to grow heavier as I told my friend of everything that has been weighing on my mind.

I find myself in this space in my life where I can look back and see the marvelous path that has unfolded piece by piece to bring me to the place where I live and breathe in this specific moment. And when I envision what comes next, I cannot see what will unfold. Sometimes the fear that likes to creep into my heart and mind rears itself in these moments and I am blinded to possibilities.

In the west African tradition of the Dagara tribe of Burkina Faso, they believe in 5 elements, each one coinciding with a calendar year. 2009 is a mineral year, and the mineral element is all about the stories within us, the bones of our being, the structure upon which we create our lives. I would like the structure of my life, the story of my soul to carry a fullness of BEING. I want to breathe more deeply and purposefully. I want to feel the present moment of my life more fully and have the ability to see a larger focus of what is happening all around me. I want my creativity to be a celebration of passion, of feeling and of transformation. I want the canvases I paint, the logos I design, the imagery I create to honor the deep well of BEING. I want a balance within me to create a space that allows my faith to grow and fill me with hope … hope that I am indeed exactly where I am supposed to be … and that which is to unfold is full of possibility and abundance. I don’t want to measure myself as much by what I do as who I am.

I am glad to be in this place today where I can take the time to write this out and celebrate for a moment the BEING that I am becoming. And whatever comes next, I welcome it with a soft smile and a gentle place in my chest where it is now easier for me to breathe.

New Vision

"Shattering Misconceptions"

As the year draws to a close, I am finding myself in a place of a newly developing vision. I once thought my “job” was to earn a decent salary, put money away for my retirement, have a growing savings/investment plan, have decent healthcare coverage and be a considerate and responsible wife/friend/community member.

It’s not that I’ve decided that these things aren’t important. They are. They make sense for living a comfortable lifestyle and being smart for any potential rainy day.

But this year has been expanding me beyond the logical, past the well-planned and carefully strategized thinking. This year has taught me about magic … about what seems to be impossible falling right into place easily and joyfully. There is an indescribable value in opening my heart to possibility and the energy contained within that which is bigger than me. As humans I believe we often think we have far more control over our own circumstances than we actually do. So if I do what I can to set the stage for the opportunities I desire to unfold, and then I step back and open myself to what can come, I can feel a flow of energy and possibility that is so much greater that I am as an individual being.

As this year closes I feel grateful for my new vision. I feel blessed that I can look at myself and my life as a being of unlimited possibilities. Who knows what lies ahead? And so, with the words of Daisaku Ikeda, I welcome the new year:

“You must not for one instant give up the effort to build new lives for yourselves. Creativity means to push open the heavy, groaning doorway to life. This is not an easy struggle. Indeed, it may be the most difficult task in the world, for opening the door to your own life is, in the end, more difficult than opening the doors to the mysteries of the universe.”

Staying Solid

Self-defense demo for my red belt test in karate

I look a little scary in this photo …

This image is from my red belt test which was held in September 2008. One of the ways I keep active is through martial arts practice. I’ve been practicing karate for over 3 years, and I find it tremendously rewarding.

In addition to giving me an exceptionally valuable skill set for keeping myself safe in all circumstances, this practice helps keep my core strong and my activity balance in alignment. In fact, when I’ve been cranking away at my computer for too many hours, it always opens me up to spend a couple of hours in class. The physical demands of strength, focus and balance do more for my mental and emotional clarity than anything else I’ve ever tried.

My creative flow is always stimulated by time I spend in class. Plus, being an assistant instructor within the program, I have the honor of helping many of the younger students master technique and form in preparation for their own belt testing. As you have probably heard before, teaching is one of the best ways to learn. By teaching karate, I myself become a better student, a more grounded individual and a much more creative artist.

A bit more on Balance

In yesterday’s post on “Balance” I talked about the detail of keeping a healthy proportion of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual activity in life.

And there’s an extra bit I need to add about the physical aspect. With activities that are low-medium intensity, make sure you hit it for at least 40 minutes at a time. And here is why.

In the first 20 minutes of exercise, your system is opening up and beginning to flow. If you stop after 20 minutes, don’t be surprised if you feel “off” or stirred up. You need to continue for another 20 minutes to allow your system to clear itself out. Many feel that cross-training activities and mixing up your routine are especially helpful in that the focus of the physical demand is rotated throughout your system, taxing different areas and keeping everything “well used” in a reasonable fashion.

Finally, consider the Zen parable of the strawberries when it comes to whatever it is you are doing:

“A man running across a field encountered a tiger. He fled, the tiger chasing after him. Coming to a cliff, he caught hold of a wild vine and swung himself over the edge. The tiger sniffed at him from above. Terrified, the man looked down to where, far below, another tiger had come, waiting to eat him. Two mice, one white, one black, little by little began to gnaw away at the vine. The man saw a luscious strawberry near him. Grasping the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other and enjoyed the sweetness.”

Balance

The Abundance of Passion I ~ 36 x 12" acrylic on canvas ~ $175

In order to have lasting abundance in life, living in a balanced way is essential in my view. Remember the food pyramid you learned about in grade school that taught you about the ratio of foods that were critical for a balanced diet? There is also a pyramid for your activities. Powerful leaders, valued teachers and people of greatness seem to all share on some level the common thread of achieving a level of balance. They can carry big energy, tremendous responsibility and be counted on to produce in the most taxing circumstances consistently.

In this new, independent (working for myself) and creative (continually needing to create and produce original, dynamic designs) chapter of my life, I am finding that in order for me to have my best and most productive flow, I must honor the balance of activities.

Side view of the activity pyramid

The first and widest layer to this activity pyramid is physical activity. That’s right … spending time getting some exercise is healthy for you in a LOT of ways, including keeping mentally and energetically balanced.

The second layer is emotional activity. The third is mental and the top of the activity pyramid is spiritual.

This is a 3D pyramid, so you have to look at the parts to whole as squared (see the next image below for an illustration). Therefore the physical level is 4 x 4, meaning you need 16 parts of physical activity per 1 part of spiritual activity in your day.

There is not an importance or value associated with these levels and ratios, meaning that spiritual activity is not more or less valuable than the other levels … this is simply a way of being balanced, the ratio of what works well for the human system.

And, by the way, I’m not making this up … I was initially introduced to this idea through the teachings of Rosalyn L. Bruyere, internationally acclaimed healer, clairvoyant and medicine woman, in her ancient Egyptian mysteries workshop.

Top view of the activity pyramid

So if I spend 4 hours thinking about and working on a web design layout, that means for optimal balance, I need 16 hours of physical activity!

Does this seem outrageous to you?

But think about it, especially if you have a desk job … when you spend all day, every day sitting on your butt, thinking … thinking … thinking … don’t you get stuck in your head?

If you have some kind of personal issue going on that is digging up a lot of emotional intensity, what is a better choice for you? Sitting down and watching TV or heading outside for a walk, a run or a bike ride?

I have to admit, I am ALWAYS drawn toward some slug-like huddle when I am stressed out and unhappy, either buried under a mountain of blankets in a safe, quiet bed, or buried on the sofa with some soothing snack while I try to numb-out to an entertaining distraction on TV. But having learned about this formula for balance, if I instead make myself get out to DO something physical, it ALWAYS makes me feel better, feel more solid, feel more secure and clearer in my head. Going for a run doesn’t necessarily solve any of my problems (though I can attest that I get some of my most creative inspirations and bursts of genius when I am out on the trail jogging along), but it consistently clears my head of garbage, excess emotional gunk that clogs my ability to think with efficiency and clarity.

So what does this all say about spirituality? If you consider the time you spend praying, meditating or in whatever sacred state that honors your personal religious practice, I bet you can see the pattern there, too. The greatest and most powerful spiritual leaders spend a lot of time doing non-spiritual activities, in part so that they remain balanced.

My creativity is so HUGELY affected by these ratios that I can’t even begin to explain how I would function as an artist if I were not also involved in physically demanding activities … running, biking, hiking, and martial arts practice. Wondering what makes me tick? I can’t tell you that … but I can tell you my ticker has a much richer and deeper fuel source when I get out of my office and out of my studio and out of my brain for regular intervals of exercise.

Nerves

Tomorrow, I will take a selection of my artwork to the Leesburg, VA town green for the 2008 “Fall into the Arts Festival.” I did this show last fall … it was my time exhibiting at an outdoor festival and was very exciting.

This year I’m feeling more nervous than excited. Northern Virginia tends to be a more conservative group in taste with potential art buyers being more interested in horses, fox hunting, beautifully rendered landscapes. My work is abstract, contemporary and non-traditional in every sense of the word.

To add fuel to that twisting bundle of energy writhing about in my belly, this economy is not kind to artisans. People don’t need art like they need food, a place to live, school supplies for their kids

And so I wonder, with the weather being an additional factor, who will come? Will my work be interesting to anyone? Should I slash my prices to try and move some of my inventory? How bare bones do I let myself become as a marketer of my creativity?

If my work is too expensive, no one can afford it. If my work is too cheap, does that imply that its value is questionable? And is there any point to trying to sell my work in the first place? Afterall, I’ve already established that I make art because I have to in order to be happy, to have balance and flow in my life. Does selling what I’ve created have anything to do with that? (I mean outside of giving me the cash flow to buy more art supplies …)

Do you suppose if I sit here long enough chewing on these questions my brain is assaulting me with that I’ll feel any more calm and serene about tomorrow?

Wonder what is on tap tonight down the hill at Hamburg Doner? (ahhhhh, a worth-while question at long last!)